Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger Syndrome
Sexually related problems and points
about going out
- Amongst young people there is much more talk and humour about
sex than there are people doing it.
- The rules for men and women are different.
- If a man has had lots of girl-friends then he might be called
a stud or a stallion. This is a compliment.
- Most men tend to be attracted to women who are good-looking,
supportive and strong-minded but this may vary from one man to
- If a woman has had lots of boyfriends then she might be called
a sl*t, a sl*g or a tart. This is an insult however unfair this
rule may seem. When someone calls a woman a name like this for a
joke, they have to make sure that it sounds like a joke and it has
to be at the right time. If you are not sure when the right time
is, it is better not to say it at all.
- Most women tend to be attracted to men who are fairly good
looking, gentlemanly, able to read their signals on boundaries
(see body language), polite,
clean, honest, not trying too hard to impress, adaptable,
positive, supportive, charismatic, fun to be with, having
character in their voice, not too meek but not macho either and
who show an interest in their feelings. It is rare to find a man
with all these qualities together and most women do not expect
- As surely as the rules differ between women and men so too do
the rules governing gays and lesbians.
- Knowing all the different swear-words and various slang is
important if you want to understand most of the humour amongst
young people. If you'd rather not use these words yourself then
you don't have to and this might be a good thing. However, you can
look them up in a dictionary if it is modern enough and large
- Getting too close to someone can sometimes get you into
trouble unless you have already established an intimate friendship
with that person. However, you might not want to put up barriers
either. If you are a man then if you allow other people to come up
and flirt with you but you don't go up and flirt with them you
will probably be taking a trouble-free option and this is probably
good (see boundaries).
- If you are a woman be choosy about the people you flirt with.
If you flirt with a man who has a serious lack of respect for
boundaries, he might start to make a nuisance of himself.
- When it comes to physical contact between yourself and other
people, try to develop for yourself a sense of what is and isn't
'appropriate' otherwise certain people may become mysteriously
unfriendly towards you without ever actually telling you why.
- If you have a crush on someone don't let anyone know in
public. People might start making fun of it and your chances will
probably be ruined. You may secretly tell a friend you know and
trust if you think they might be able to help. Tips for asking
people out are mentioned in this chapter.
- If you are a virgin don't tell anyone and try to avoid related
topics of conversation, especially if you are a man. There are
plenty of virgins out there, many of them in their thirties and
very few of them actually tell people. If you have already told
people, don't worry, just don't tell anyone else.
- If people make fun of you just because you are a virgin don't
let them think it is getting to you and try not to let them sway
you into becoming someone with just one thing on your mind as this
will cause you a lot of distress.
- Also don't worry about getting your end away just so that you
can say you've done it. Besides when asked 'have you done it?' it
is usually more admirable to laughingly say something like 'what's
it to you', 'that's personal' or 'mind your own business'. This
can easily fool the other person into thinking you've done it
anyway. After all, if someone else said one of these things to you
what would they lead you into believing?
- If you have recently been out with someone or been to bed with
someone your friends and peers might rather persistently try to
find out as much as they possible can about your encounter. This
can be extremely embarrassing. In such situations you may decide
to disclose absolutely nothing at all, hoping they will lose
interest. Alternatively, you can simply NOT take it seriously and
laughingly give them ridiculous exaggerations of what happened.
- Some men find it difficult to understand that the very idea of
boosting their own egos by collecting memories of sexual liaisons
with as many different women as they can is insulting or degrading
to a woman's ego.
- Many people in all honesty find their first experience of sex
- The best reason for having an evening or a night out in a pub
or a night club is to have a good time and talk to people.
- You will probably have a much better time if you have a night
out with friends rather than if you go out alone.
- On a night out the rules regarding body language become more
- Be careful with your gaze (unless of course you are talking
with someone). If you look at someone for too long they will
probably notice you out of the corner of their eye. This may cause
them discomfort. They might then tell their friends about it and
become secretively unfriendly towards you. This is especially true
about men staring at women.
- Some people can be very polite to you but be rude about you
behind your back. If you want a clue as to whether or not they
really like you see the rules
on eye contact.
- If you have been invited to a party it is best to turn up at
least half an hour late.
- It is good to have a bath or shower before you go out.
- It is best not to be the firston the dance floor even if you
can't see anything wrong with this yourself. This doesn't mean you
can try and persuade someone else to be the first.
- If you are at a night club and it is difficult to join in a
conversation with people because of the music being too loud then
you might be one of these people who is better off in pubs or
parties at people's houses.
- If you like drinking alcohol because it makes you more
sociable one or two pints is probably enough. Try not to drink to
the extent that you make a spectacle of yourself because you might
very well cause people to lose interest in you or to take
advantage of you.
- Most people do NOT think that smoking is cool so don't think
about taking it up for this reason.
- If you go to a party at someone's house there might be
cannabis going around. Cannabis comes under many different names
including gear, dope, weed, grass, pot, draw and marihuana. It is
usually rolled up with tobacco into joints or spliffs. If you feel
a need to join in with this walk of life bear in mind the many
risks and know that it can make you less sociable while you smoke
it. Also drugs might affect you differently to how they affect
other people because your brain chemistry will be slightly
- Be very careful where and when you talk about illegal
substances because they ARE illegal.
- NEVER buy illegal substances off the streets, it will almost
invariably be a con and the people selling them might take it the
wrong way and get violent if you try to be friendly with them.
- If you decide to go out with the thought of pulling or asking
someone out in mind then the following tips might help you; but it
is essential that you first read the chapters on
body language (especially
eye contact and
distortions of truth,
humour and conflict and sex
related humour. It would be best to have in fact read all the
points in the book leading up to this one.
- Chatting someone up is traditionally said to be the man's job
but these days it is not uncommon for the woman to take an active
- If you wish to chat up someone else the best
thing to do is just to talk to them and NOT get too close at
- Suitable boundaries may vary from one person to another (see
- It is important not to appear too eager.
- If you are a man do not wear too much after shave.
- Don't chat up just anyone, make sure it's someone you like.
- If a man seduces a woman who is drunk, then in the eyes of
everyone else he is taking advantage of her.
- If you are a man don't drop any hints about how much you fancy
someone however subtle they may be. This will only weaken your
chances. If you do drop any hints at all it may be best if they
are hints of sincere admiration.
- If you are a woman and you drop hints as above to a man, he
might start expecting more of you than you meant to offer.
- If a woman doesn't want to go out with a man, she will let him
know by slipping the words 'my boyfriend' into the conversation.
This might sometimes mean lying but it is thought by most people
to be the most gentle way of letting the man know.
- Chatting someone up is not really that different from an
informal interview. Don't forget to look at their face more than
two thirds of the time (maybe more) whilst listening or speaking
and smile a bit. If they are doing the same it means they like you
- If you wish to ask someone out, do it casually and sincerely
and where no-one else can hear.
- The time it takes between meeting someone for the first time
and becoming partners with them can be anywhere from a few minutes
to hours, days, weeks, months or even years. If it only takes
seconds however there is probably something wrong.
- You may find someone to go out with at ANY time, it is highly
- You might end up spending an evening or two or three with
someone you really like and who really builds up your hopes up,
only to find that they disappoint you. This can happen to anyone
and is hardest to cope with when you are new to going out with
- Many people will go out with each other in secret or will
spend much time flirting with each other but never admit that they
are going out together. This is often the nature of an open
- Finding the right moment to make that first move is probably
the most difficult thing of all and you may need to break some of
the rules I have given (cheating a little). Asking someone out is
a bit like gambling all your self esteem and taking complete pot
luck. But if they turn you down it DOES NOT mean it was stupid to
- Always be responsible and remember the
importance of safer sex.
- It is bad manners to turn up at someone else's house uninvited
unless they have said 'come round anytime' in which case they
could mean about once a month or they could mean every other day
depending on many things.
- On the other hand it can sometimes be difficult to know what
constitutes an invitation.
- It is often best to phone first before turning up at someone's
- In some setting e.g. student hall the rules are slightly
different because people are often running in and out of each
others flats anyway. None the less still be careful.
- An Invitation to a party does NOT mean that you have to go if
you don't want to.
- If you gate-crash a party with more than 20
people but keep a low profile, nobody should mind.
- It is sometimes difficult to know whether or not you are
overstaying your welcome at some one else's house or whether they
would like you to stay longer. If they say they are feeling tired
then this might be a gentle hint that they want you to go. If they
are smiling, giving you plenty of eye contact and showing an
interest in the conversation they probably want you to stay.
- It is best for anyone, male or female, to avoid walking alone
late at night down deserted or badly lit streets but here are some
tips for protecting yourself:
- Always make sure your wallet is out of sight.
- You may do well to look over your shoulder every now and then.
- Don't look down, look straight ahead.
- Look like you know where you are going and show no fear.
- Following these guide-lines will make you look less vulnerable
and more able to defend yourself. Some people find taking classes
in martial arts helps them to be (and look) confident.
- If someone threatens you and you start running just keep on
- If it is too late or you are unable to run, let them have your
wallet if they ask for it. This is a small price to pay for your
- If they take your wallet cancel all your credit cards as soon
as possible and get them replaced.
- Never try and bargain or reason with your mugger(s).
- Finally, ALWAYS phone your mum or dad and let
them know if you have decided to stay the night at someone else's
house or they will be so worried they will call the police to
search for you. (I'm assuming you remebered to tell them you were
going out for the evening in the first place!)
- In the unfortunate event that you might ever be on the
receiving end of a sexual attack, it is probably a good idea to
scream at the top of your voice before the
attacker gets the chance to threaten you to be silent.
- The police do advise women to carry rape alarms with them just
- Most rape victims know their attackers. What's more, most
rapes do not happen on the streets.
- Don't for get than men can be raped too, though they are often
more afraid to report it.
- If it has already happened to you, you are
NOT the only one and it is NOT
your fault and if you tell the right people they
WILL believe you.
- If a simple 'no' is not enough, then what the hell is?
Coping: A Survival Guide for People with Asperger
Getting the best from this
Looking on the bright side
Distortions of the truth
Humour and conflict
Sexually related problems and points about going out
Finding the right friends
Keeping a clean slate
Living away from home
Jobs and interviews
A Personal in depth analysis of the